


Brave face, talk so lightly, hide the truth

by hllfire



Category: X-Men (Alternate Timeline Movies)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Alternate Universe - Soulmates, Angst, Beach Divorce (X-Men), Fix-It, Fluff, Happy Ending, M/M, Not X-Men: Days of Future Past Compliant, Poor Charles Xavier, Poor Erik Lehnsherr, X-Men: First Class (2011), but only for drama's sake
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-09-30
Updated: 2020-10-03
Packaged: 2021-03-07 22:33:48
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 2
Words: 4,441
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26725210
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/hllfire/pseuds/hllfire
Summary: Charles and Erik find each other, but both of them have demons that stop them from giving in to their bond as soulmates.
Relationships: Erik Lehnsherr/Charles Xavier
Comments: 18
Kudos: 86





	1. I can finally see, you're as fucked up as me

**Author's Note:**

  * For [InsertSthMeaningful](https://archiveofourown.org/users/InsertSthMeaningful/gifts).

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> _Title from "Sick of Losing Soulmates" by dodie (Both the work title and the chapter title)_
> 
> This was entirely inspired by [this](https://insertmeaningfulusername.tumblr.com/post/630576346342572032/for-the-otp-ask-meme-because-i-realized-i-forgot) ask on tumblr so thank you Steph for having such a big brain and giving me this wonderful idea for a soulmate au. I hope you enjoy this 🥰
> 
> There'll be a second chapter coming soon to end this sad tale with some happiness because this is basically a fix-it as well lmao Enjoy the first chapter ❤️

It wasn't until they looked at each other when they emerged from the water that they realized what both of them had just found, that they felt those feelings that everyone talks about but that you only understand once you experience them — the feeling of finding something you didn't know you lost, of a piece of yourself being put back together, of a part of your soul finally coming back to you. It wasn't until they got up on that boat that they allowed the information to settle, the feeling to make sense, their gazes to meet again as they understood that they had found the other part of themselves.

When everything settled, when it finally became clear that they had found each other, both of them felt afraid.

Erik tried to leave, got what he needed about Shaw from the CIA and packed his few belongings, ready to leave that place. He didn't need them and they didn't need him; he didn't need Charles and Charles definitely didn't need _him._

But then Charles was there, outside in the cold night and waiting for him, and that didn't seem fair. Erik had long ago left behind the idea he would find his soulmate, that he even deserved it and that someone deserved to be bonded with a monster like him, and yet Charles seemed to not care about who Erik was at all. He'd been in Erik's head, he saw everything that he did and that was done to him, and that was terrifying for Erik. The person who supposedly should be his other half knew him and his mind, and Erik's first instinct was to pull away, was to tell him to stay out of his head, terrified of Charles' judgement — when was the last time Erik cared about someone's judgement?

The love that Erik's parents had for each other, the love of two soulmates who had found each other, was one that Erik believed he would never deserve. But Charles wasn't afraid, blue eyes looking into Erik's own with so much fondness that made Erik wish he could have that, could have Charles. 

Despite all the warnings in his head, Erik stayed.

Charles was terrified of Erik. Not because of who Erik was or what he had done, Charles knew enough of what Erik had gone through to understand his actions so far and, as much as Erik thought himself a monster, Charles only saw someone filled with pain and who needed to find peace after not knowing what peace was for most of his life.

No, the reason why Charles was terrified of Erik was because of the overwhelming fear that he would lose Erik. His mother had lost his father, her soulmate, when he was just a boy. He watched what losing a soulmate could do to a person, and he was terrified he would go through the same thing — why wouldn't he? With the life Erik had been living so far, with him almost drowning in that sea before they even realized their bond, what were the chances that Charles would have a different fate than his mother?

That was why Charles had waited for Erik that night outside the CIA headquarters when he realized what Erik's plan was. That was why he felt so relieved the morning after when Erik showed up again, when he saw that Erik decided to stay. When he agreed to go with Erik to find other mutants, Charles couldn't control the happy feeling that filled him, even if the feeling was bittersweet as it was mixed with the certainty that Erik would leave.

Erik had been alone for so long that having someone around him — his _soulmate_ from all people even — as he went on to find others like him felt weird. It wasn't _bad weird,_ just weird. For the longest time, he didn't think having a bubbly and optimistic man by his side, smiling at him and making him company, could be enjoyable.

But it was Charles, and somehow Charles made even the long and boring driving through the country enjoyable.

One night, sharing a room, Erik wasn't able to sleep. He knew the nightmares would come if he tried, he was used enough to the feeling already to know when the night would be filled with bad dreams, so he stayed awake as Charles slept calmly on the other bed. It would've stayed like that, with Erik staring at the ceiling and playing with the metal around the room as Charles sometimes projected bits and pieces of his dreams while he slept, if Charles hadn't woken up.

"You haven't slept." it wasn't a question, but Erik nodded to confirm it anyway. "You need to sleep."

"I'll be fine. I've gone longer without sleeping."

Charles looked at him with a worried look then, taking only a few seconds to get up from his bed and walk towards Erik's, climbing under the covers and invading Erik's personal space. He froze for a while as the telepath made himself comfortable, head and hand resting against Erik's chest as a soft feeling touched his mind, calming and inebriating. Erik felt tired almost immediately thanks to the peaceful touch of Charles' mind and body, soon hugging Charles' body close even if he should be pushing him away.

Charles didn't deserve that.

"I know you asked me to stay out of your head," Charles' quiet and tired voice sounded in the dark room as Erik turned his face to rest his nose over Charles' hair, smelling the shampoo he had used to wash it earlier. "but I promise I'm not looking into anything, I'm just calming it so you can sleep. I used to do it with Raven when she had nightmares."

That night, as Erik held Charles close and felt the numbing sensation of Charles' mind calming his fears and pushing away his demons, Erik didn't have nightmares.

Sometimes, Charles didn't like how his first instinct was to hope. He had hoped that his father wouldn't die when he was a child, he had hoped his stepfather would be good to him and his mother, he had hoped to never find his soulmate so he wouldn't have to deal with the consequences, and now he hoped Erik wouldn't leave once they found Shaw. 

He knew deep down it was a lost cause, he knew Erik's goal in life was revenge and not even Charles was enough to make him change his mind — ironic, considering he was a telepath —, but he'd be lying if he said he didn't hope Erik would, given time, choose to stay with him.

As they trained together, as Charles tried to make all of those kids that were under his wing now realize just how powerful they were and how to use their mutations in the best way possible, Charles found solace. That was one of his goals, to teach, to open a school that would be able to teach kids like them to control their powers as well as giving them normal classes that other schools would offer. He really tried to focus on that as time passed, tried to focus on his dream slowly coming true, but he felt another dream creeping into his mind as time went by.

Because wouldn't it be sweet if Erik was there as well to share his dream with him? Wouldn't it be sweet if Erik stayed, if he found peace with Charles?

Charles' hope would be his downfall one day, he was sure of it.

Erik saw in Charles' eyes the disappointed look that crossed them for a second as he told the telepath that peace was never an option, the blue in the telepath's eyes seemingly dying down at those words before Charles hid his feelings. Erik was sure, right then and there, that Charles now knew what he was, and that he deserved better than Erik.

Charles talked about peace, but all Erik could offer was war.

He fully expected Charles to push him away after that, to try and break the bond so he could find someone better, which caused him to move towards his room instead of going to Charles' like he had been doing for many nights now.

"Where are you going?"

Charles' question made him stop on his tracks to see Charles opening the door to his room as his eyes watched Erik with a confused look. 

"Sleep." Erik answered simply, making Charles' frown deepen before a sweet smile appeared on Charles' red lips.

"Already forgot where our room is?"

 _Our room,_ the words echoed in Erik's mind as he looked at Charles with surprise all over his face.

They slept together again that night, and Erik felt his chest hurt as Charles pressed kisses all over his face, and later all over his body, letting his affection towards Erik reach Erik's mind, sharing their bond in a way that almost made Erik believe that maybe he deserved it, deserved Charles. Almost.

Charles didn't remember going through so much pain in such a small time frame; physical and emotional pain hitting Charles like a brick to the face.

The coin had hurt like hell, had made Charles feel as if he was dying together with Shaw, but he couldn't let go if he wanted to keep Erik safe. So he held on, and when Shaw was dead, Charles had a hard time to remember that _he_ wasn't. He couldn't blame Erik, he didn't know about the pain he had just made Charles go through, although a dark part of his mind wondered if he would even care if he did know, if Charles would be more important than his revenge at that moment. There was no way of knowing, and Charles pushed that though away as soon as it came. It wasn't time for that.

Then came the missiles, and Charles was scared that he and the children would die on that beach until Erik stopped them, turning the missiles around to send them back to the humans who had tried to kill them. Part of Charles' hope died when he read the minds of the humans on those ships, when he saw that there was no pity for them there, that they could've been killed if it wasn't for Erik. But Charles was stubborn on his beliefs, he wouldn't give up on his hopes even when he knew they were hopeless, so he fought Erik. The punch to the face he received from Erik didn't hurt as much as the coin, but it wasn't good either, and yet he kept going until Erik managed to get the best of him.

And then came the bullet. 

Charles felt the pain, felt the impact of his body hitting the ground, and felt Erik's touch as well, pulling him close to help him. In the distance, the missiles exploded in the air or fell to the sea.

He felt when Erik pulled the bullet out of him, and didn't think much of it when the pain suddenly dulled on his lower body as his eyes met Erik's, finding worry in them. Part of Charles' mind felt some sick satisfaction to know he at least felt sorry for that, even if Charles couldn't be sure — not with the helmet blocking him from Erik. When Erik lashed out and tried to kill Moira, Charles didn't know if he could handle anything more, he was _so tired._

He saw the pain in Erik's eyes when he told Erik that it wasn't Moira's fault; he knew, even without his telepathy, that Erik was more than ever thinking he was a monster, that he had hurt Charles. And how clever and evil of the universe to make Erik hurt Charles with a bullet, the same thing that had taken away Erik's mother from him so many years ago. For a moment, Charles was thankful for the helmet on Erik's head — he wasn't sure he would be able to handle Erik's pain as well at that moment. 

"We want the same thing." Erik had said, and Charles felt his heart shatter.

"Oh, my friend… I'm sorry... But we do not."

That day on that beach, Charles' biggest fear came true when Erik left, leaving him behind with the pain of being separated from the other part of his soul that he had never wanted to meet before he jumped into that sea to save Erik's life.

That day on that beach, Erik's biggest fear came true when he saw Charles in Moira's arms after he had hurt him, after he proved himself the monster he always knew he was. He just couldn't imagine just how much leaving Charles behind would hurt, but he guessed that was the price he'd have to pay for leaving part of his soul behind.


	2. So how do we win?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> _Title from "Sick of Losing Soulmates" by dodie (Both the work title and the chapter title)_
> 
> Well, as promised, here's the second and last chapter of this! It was a very soft thing to write for Cherik and honestly, any chance I can make a fix-it for First Class I will take it because I still feel pain with that movie and what comes after lmao
> 
> Hope you guys enjoy this ❤️

Recovery was slow for Charles, and he didn't expect less. He was separated from Erik now, their bond probably severed in the moment Erik decided to walk away and to leave him on that beach. He knew the stories about how soulmated people once separated became ill, weaker, until they managed to get over the separation — hell, he had seen his mother almost die at the death of his father, and he considered himself lucky that he was just having to deal with a very slow recovery.

Even so, the process wasn't easy. Not only sometimes Charles felt sick to his stomach and weak from his body trying to deal with the separation, but his back hurt every now and then until Hank came around with drugs that would stop the pain, but leave him too tired to do anything else; his legs were a lost cause, although some days Charles would wake up and try to get up, to move them at his will, only to stare at the ceiling with a blank expression as he squeezed his own thigh in hopes to feel the touch at some point.

Hope, again. At this point Charles was starting to believe that it wasn't worth it to have hope for something, or that maybe he was a fool who only hoped for the wrong things.

He hoped he would walk again. He hoped Raven would come back home, hoped he could apologize for being so overbearing and pushing her away without even realizing it. And he hoped Erik would come back to him. All of these made him feel like an idiot with each day that passed.

When Hank presented him with the wheelchair, Charles sighed, hope put aside as he tried to face his new reality with a smile.

Erik had felt ill the first days he spent away from Charles, having to deal with knowing and pitiful looks from Raven and Angel any time he had to leave to throw up or just sit down in order not to faint as weakness hit him. It could've been worse, he knew that it only wasn't worse because he had spent just a short period of time with Charles, but it wasn't a pleasant time either.

It only took one day after leaving Charles' side for the nightmares to come back as well, the lack of the telepath's power blanketing his thoughts at night allowing Erik's memories to come back and haunt him at night, now with a new addition to them: Charles, dead on that beach, killed by Erik's carelessness. Sometimes, that dream would come after the memory of his mother dying behind him, and Erik always woke up completely breathless and tense whenever his brain made the connection between the two of them. Both hit by a bullet, both shot because of Erik's mutation, both standing behind him as it happened and hitting the ground once the bullet hit them, both lost because of Erik.

Even so, Erik knew that it would only take a while until the bond broke if he kept away from Charles, and he was determined to stay away to let Charles free, so he could find someone who hadn't hurt him in the first place.

That is, he  _ was _ determined, until Raven came back to the Brotherhood crying, sobbing so much that no one but Angel reacted fast enough to hold the girl to try and calm her down. When her yellow eyes stared at Erik, he felt a shiver run down his spine, as if something bad had happened. His first instinct was to think about Charles — he knew Raven would sneak out to sneak into the mansion to see Charles some days, her worry about him bigger than Erik's warning to stay away —, and he felt his head dizzy as he got confirmation, leaving the room after she explained what happened as he felt his stomach twisting.

Charles was in a wheelchair, the bullet that Erik shot at him had paralyzed him from the waist down. Charles was in pain because of the injury, Raven had said he was crying in pain when she saw him, getting drugged to alleviate it. Charles was hurt, and it had been because of Erik.

He stayed away from everyone else for the rest of the day, Charles consuming his thoughts until he couldn't do anything but stare at the ceiling and feel his entire body numb.

It was late at night when Charles woke up with pain once again, his lower back hurting and making him whimper for a moment before he tried to feel around the nightstand for the pills that Hank had left next to his bed before he fell asleep. Before he could reach them, his mind brushed on someone else's, making him stop in his tracks. 

He wasn't alone in the house, but the person was in his room, and Charles almost didn't believe when he recognized the other mind, eyes scanning the dark room to find Erik standing next to the window, eyes wide at him as his thoughts gave away the way he was terrified of the fact that he had been caught. Before Charles could say something, however, his pain talked louder, making him close his eyes and try to reach the drugs again. 

Erik was silent and still as Charles put himself in a sitting position to take the drugs, swallowing the painkillers down and sighing as he knew soon they would be making their work inside of him to numb the pain for a few hours, just enough for him to sleep. Only then, Charles looked at Erik again, still unsure of what to do.

"I suppose you climbed through the window?" he said, seeing Erik nod after a few seconds of hesitation. "What are you doing here?"

Erik didn't answer for a few moments, and although Charles  _ could _ take the motives from Erik's mind, he wanted to hear what the other man had to say. Besides, he was also terrified of the answer. 

"I wanted… Wanted to check on you."

Hearing Erik's voice after the period of time they spent without seeing themselves was more powerful than the drugs he was taking, even if his tone was uncertain, even if Erik seemed to not know what to do or say at that moment. Being around Erik again felt like a puzzle piece was being put into place again after being lost, after it went away and made the picture incomplete. Charles was terrified once again that he would have it taken away from him once more. 

"I'm… I'm as fine as I can be." then quickly added, "How's Raven? And Angel? And the others? You?"

The pale moonlight coming from the window was enough for Charles to see a soft smile appearing on Erik's lips there. 

"Everyone's fine. Raven's worried about you."

"And you?"

There was hesitation again, and Charles waited until he saw Erik moving closer, his presence calm and agitated at the same time around the telepath. As Erik sat on the bed by Charles' side, Charles couldn't hold himself back from reaching out with his hand for Erik's face. To his relief, Erik leaned into the touch.

"Look." Erik said quietly, voice broken, and Charles frowned. When Erik took the hand that held his face and placed it against his temple, Charles understood. "It's okay, go ahead. No helmet."

Charles did as he was told, diving into Erik's mind and searching for the memories of the time frame where they had been separated, sucking in a breath as it all hit him. He felt the pain Erik felt, felt the weakness that came with the separation, saw the nightmares and saw Erik's thoughts about why he had left. Charles wanted to scream, to hit Erik all over again for ever thinking Charles would be afraid of him, thinking that Charles thought him a monster. Instead, he pushed forward his own feelings, his own pain, watching as Erik winced and teared up as Charles' insecurities reached him. He showed Erik his mother, his fear of being left and how it had hurt him when not only him but Raven left him as well. He showed Erik how he couldn't ask Erik to stay on that beach, how his own fear stopped him from doing so, and how painful it was to watch Erik go.

When the connection was broken, both of them felt tired, regretting their own actions and wondering how things could've been different if their fears hadn't gotten in the way.

"Don't go away again." Charles said, voice breaking as tears fell from his eyes. He closed them once Erik leaned closer, kissing the tears away, his lips against Charles' skin making Charles feel his chest both heavier and lighter at the same time. "Please, stay…"

"He is a stupid man." Raven said quietly as she sat by Erik's side, both of them looking at the nearest wall as Erik explained his plan. "We hurt him, left him behind, and he'll take us back. I never understood how he could be like that… I always told him that being that open-hearted would have consequences."

"I don't think I can stay away." Erik's voice was a whisper, Raven's eyes turning to him as she heard him. "He asked me to stay, he offered us a home again. I told him I would talk to you and the others."

"And what happens if we don't go?"

Erik clenched his jaw, eyes falling to the ground as he thought about his answer. He didn't need to answer, however, as Raven huffed out a small laugh, amused.

"Then  _ you'll _ go. Am I right?"

Hank was tense the whole time as he watched the Brotherhood showing up at the doors of the mansion, Alex and Sean only wary of the other mutants, as Charles' eyes could only look at Erik and Raven, something within him relieved to see them again and well. When his eyes met Erik's, when their gazes locked, Charles felt that same feeling he felt in the water when he brought Erik to the surface. It seemed to have happened a lifetime ago now.

"Welcome home." Charles managed to say, forcing himself to look at everyone there, even if his eyes were immediately over Raven and Erik again.

Some days it was harder than others to stay with Charles in the school. Azazel and Janos had complained at first, had said that Erik had lost his mind when he told them about his plan. Even so, they followed Erik anyway, begrudgingly. They were the ones who were harder to control, to keep reminding them to be careful around the students — they were Charles' responsibility, Erik had promised to keep the Brotherhood as far as possible from them.

Emma was, to Erik's surprise, fitting in well, making Erik wonder if it was a telepath thing, the gift of fitting in to their surroundings. Surprisingly enough, she and Charles grew close, and Charles had laughed a whole lot when Erik found out Emma was now part of the school's faculty. She seemed at ease there, and Charles seemed to trust her enough now to let Emma weigh in on the decisions for the school. 

Raven and Angel had been awkward at first since, like Erik, they had left the others in Cuba all those months ago. As much as the rest of the group reacted well to their return, it took a while for them to feel at home again. Many nights Erik would watch from the crack of a door as Charles and Raven talked, as they tried to solve the problem that grew between them, and Erik was always amused to see how much they were alike when it came to being stubborn. It was a long time until they felt comfortable around each other again, for a fraction of the relationship they had before they parted ways to be restored. Even so, Erik knew it wouldn't go back to normal, that they weren't the boy and girl that met in a kitchen so many years ago — Raven had told him the story once, her expression clearly missing home when she did —, when the world was kinder.

As to him and Charles, it was a work in progress.

They fought sometimes, both of them still carrying different views and beliefs. Charles knew Erik didn't approve of his passive way of dealing with things, the same way that Erik knew Charles didn't approve of his violent approach. Even so, even after countless games of chess where they would bicker like two old men, they would go to bed together and forget the fighting as they held each other. The first night where Charles' mind blanketed his again, keeping the nightmares out, Erik felt once again like he didn't deserve it, holding Charles tightly against him. The moment that Charles caught the thought, a soft conversation started, until both of them were too tired to stay awake.

Some days were harder than the others, but at the end of each day, Erik couldn't say that it wasn't worth it when he had Charles in his arms again.

There were still things to work on, there were ghosts old and new that haunted both of them as the days passed, but it was easier to deal with them when they did it together, when the bond between them wasn't ignored. And, as time went on, it got easier, and suddenly the fears faded until they weren't important anymore. 

Until one night, they looked at each other and felt it all over again, the inexplicable feeling of finding the other half of your soul, of something that was lost being returned to you. That night, neither of them felt afraid.

**Author's Note:**

> Comments and Kuddos are more than appreciated and keeps an author's soul alive. Even a "❤️" or "+kuddos" are valid and will make me happy. ❤️
> 
> Find me on [tumblr](http://hellfre.tumblr.com) and [twitter](http://twitter.com/hllfire)!


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